


i got taken down again (but i got fire in my blood)

by asahijpeg



Series: snktober month 2020 [7]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Gen, Season 1 Episode 8, day seven: favorite scene (anime), jean and marco in headquarters, marco telling jean he'd be a good leader, snktober, snktober 2020, this scene lives in my head rent free
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:48:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26878438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asahijpeg/pseuds/asahijpeg
Summary: "i think you're a good leader 'cause you know what it is to be weak."in which jean and marco have a discussion about jean's leadership capabilities.
Series: snktober month 2020 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1945990
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3
Collections: SNKTOBER Month 2020





	i got taken down again (but i got fire in my blood)

leave it to jean’s bad luck to finally graduate from cadet school and immediately get tossed into a battle against the titans, trying desperately to save trost from devastation. as mad as he wants to be with the world, curse whatever god there is for granting him this awful luck, he can’t; he’s been training for this for months, what else could he have expected. what better way to see if he’s cut out to be soldier material than to be tossed into the thick of humanity’s scourge, if his training is all it’s cracked up to be?

still, as he sits in the basement of the military headquarters, he can’t help the near invisible tremors of anger that wrack his fingers. despite the brave front he puts up, he can’t help the fear that bubbles just underneath his facade, some ominous and foreboding feeling that seeps into his bones, like something even worse is coming his way. with a deep breath in his lungs and his trusted friends at his side, though, he feels steady on his feet and in his decisions, not doubting or regretting anything he’s done since this siege started; it’s been his decisions that have gotten the cadets here anyways, what reason does he have to doubt himself?

canisters in hand, he sits next to marco on the platform, fingers working deftly, expertly, to press the needles into the slot to refill the odm gear with air. the space between them is quiet for the most part, no speaking necessary, the silence filled by conversations of other soldiers as they, too, prepare to throw themselves back into the thick of death and destruction. the lack of words between the two, even small talk, leaves room for jean’s mind to wander aimlessly, the rest of his body working through the motions without much thought put into them, a routine that never took much attention.

he’s surprised when his train of thought settles upon words marco spoke to him what seems now like years ago, time slowing to an infinite crawl, though it couldn’t have been more than an hour since then.

_ we’re alive because of you! you’re a great leader! _

jean sighs to himself, shaking his head just a bit as he ponders marco’s words. he’d never seen himself as a leader, a very good one at least, and it  _ had  _ been on  _ his  _ orders that even more of their friends had perished simply trying to escape back to headquarters; was that part just pure par for the course or was it something to do with him, with the uncertainty of his steps in the moment, that caused the deaths of so many?

breathing out another sigh, jean closes his eyes for a second to order his thoughts before he speaks. “listen, man. what you said about me being a leader…”

marco lets out a noise of surprise, though jean can’t place whether it’s because of their comfortable silence being broken or the topic of discussion he’s chosen to bring up. regardless, the freckled boy trains his gaze on him and listens intently, determined to soak up everything jean has to offer.

“don’t talk to me like that again, alright?”

clearly, these aren’t the words marco is expecting to hear, but he gives no physical indication that they weren’t. instead, he elects to smile to himself, turning his attention back to his canister. he takes a moment to formulate his response ( _ always so thoughtful with his words _ , jean says to himself, though it’s more fondly than teasing) as he switches out the metal tube for a new one. 

“promise me you aren’t going to take this the wrong way,” he says, keeping his eyes trained on the canister and needle in his hands. “but i don’t think you’re a good leader because you’re strong. i think you’re a good leader ‘cause you know what it is to be weak.”

jean’s eyes, dark with confusion and near offense, slide easily to gaze at his friend out of his peripheral, his eyebrows drawn together as he processes marco’s words, almost as if he’s saying  _ what’s that supposed to mean? _ without audibly saying it. it’s obvious, though, that his friend has more to add on, so he keeps quiet, waiting to hear marco explain himself.

“you’re… one of us. you’re scared out of your mind just like we all are. it makes you alert, sympathetic.”

that rouses a reaction from the ashy brown haired boy, eyes still muddled in confusion and his mouth dropping open just a bit. ask anyone in the one hundredth and fourth cadet corps and they’d all tell you jean kirstein is one of the least sympathetic people they’d ever met, but marco, who’d proven himself time and time again to be excellent at gauging people’s character, had always seen right through jean’s tough guy act; instead of taking him at face value, marco had come to know jean as someone who was just as scared as anyone else, a teenager with worries and doubts and worst fears. coming from marco, you could take anything he said as nothing short of  _ holy _ and while other cadets might have rolled their eyes at calling jean  _ sympathetic _ of all things, they would do well to agree with it and finally see him as he really is. still, it’s surprising to him to hear his closest friend use such a word to describe him. 

the brunette looks up at him then, a smile etched across his freckled face, the expression of purity and personified brightness. “you made a damn good call out there. got me running for my life.  _ you’re _ why i can say this.”

jean’s breath wavers, his eyes wide as he processes his friend’s statement. it never did anyone well to not take kindly to marco’s encouragement, his words working some kind of magic on the receiver, so while jean wants to not believe these words, he’s still filled with a rush of pride, of power. he can’t help but suddenly feel like he could take on the whole word, a fire lit under the surface of his skin, coursing through his veins. he can’t help but wholeheartedly trust marco; after all, his judgments are always spot on.

recovering from the initial shock of marco attributing his survival to jean’s leadership, the ashy haired boy lets a casual smirk grace his features as he returns his attention to the task at hand. “you know, marco, if you aren’t careful, you’ll end up blowing too much wind up my ego and then where will we be?”

marco’s shoulders shake with the effort of a laugh and jean can’t help but feel a genuine smile stretch across his face. 

“i guess you’ll just have to keep it in check yourself.”

jean rolls his eyes, but the smile stays. 

**Author's Note:**

> title from "talk it up" by sammy rae, the good life (2018)
> 
> when i say this scene lives in my head rent free, i mean frontal lobe, water front PROPERTY type shit.


End file.
